This Look

This look...it will forever be ingrained in my mind.  I waited, and waited, and prayed, and cried.  A deep, dark place within me wondered if Ellie would truly bond, connect, and know I was her mommy.  Her low tone and laid back nature caused her to be a "good" baby in many people's opinion, but I remember a time early on, and after we brought her home, where I would stare in her eyes.  I remember painfully questioning if she was there and seeing her mommy because I couldn't see it.  I tried to, begged her to, plead with God, cried to my mom and David, and still nothing.

And it killed me.  I longed for her to give me looks, cues, expressions, emotion.  

Anything.

And then this look came, and it was more perfect than I could have ever imagined.  It may not have been on the "typical" schedule, but it was on Ellie's time.  She is fully there, and definitely knows and sees her mommy, and everyone else around her.  It took time, but she heard every word I spoke, every song I sang, every kiss I gave, every pray I prayed. Prader-Willi syndrome will rock you to your very core, will make you question God, will make you angry at our food driven society, will make you grieve the loss of the child you thought you would have, will make you ache to see your child struggle, but it will give you so much more. It will give you patience to wait for accomplishments, trust in a God that is good and sovereign, perspective on the intricacies of life, bravery to fight, educate and advocate, a love that knows no boundaries.  Finally, it will give you a child like no other that will truly inspire you and utterly amaze you every single day.

I couldn't be more grateful for this look.  It is what makes me fight to eliminate the challenges of PWS, it gives me purpose, and it makes me proud each and every day.  She is most definitely there, sees her mommy and knows I love her dearly.