Every Tear Wiped Away

I never truly understood PWS holiday anxiety until tonight.  

But I've also never seen God move, calm, and speak like He did tonight either.  

We've been at an all time high talking about food.  Sugar, carbs, gluten, commonalities, differences, candy, cookies, allergies, and the list could go on.  The questions are plentiful too, so I've known she's anxious but I didn't truly realize how anxious.

We had a fun holiday event at school that, honestly, I was a little leery to attend.  But, Ellie came home begging and excited to go.  So, of course we went.  And as a family, we had fun.  We talked to Santa, played games, and went on a Christmas light excursion afterward...truly seeking the magic of the season.

When we got home, we quickly got ready for bed, and I could see it coming...

"My tummy is hurting."  "Maybe it was the little bit of candy cane I had, because it had sugar in it?"  And then the tears came.  And these were tears of fear, anxiousness.  Tears that when you see them as a mom, you just want to scoop your child up, run away and take every ounce of hurt away.  I hugged her tight, and could feel her little body start to tense and cry harder.  I calmly asked her what was bothering her.

"I'm nervous about Polar Express Day.  There's hot chocolate and what will I do?"  I told her she didn't have to worry...that I was sending her something that was good for her with low sugar and low carbs.  She cried harder.  I hugged her tighter.  

"What if someone tries to give me the other hot chocolate?"  "What will I do?"  "What will I say?" I looked at her and said, "You'll tell them no thank you; I cannot have that."  And, "Your teachers will never let that happen.  They love you and take care of you and will not let that happen."

She stopped crying and said let's read our Bible story.  We've been reading a nightly advent story each night up to Christmas.

We found the one for tonight..."Operation No More Tears."  It was about the prophecies from Isaiah, and how God had a special job for Isaiah...to listen to God and then tell what he heard (the redemptive, hopeful, good news that Jesus came, died and rose to rescue us, and He will come again to wipe every tear away from every eye).

I said, "Ellie, this looks like it is going to be perfect for tonight."  I explained what it was called, and told her God sent Jesus to rescue us, love us, help us, and forgive us.  They can come to our rescue now and want us to talk to them, ask for help, and share our worries, hoped, joys, and everything with them.  All we have to do is ask them in our heart, pray and talk to them when we're nervous, scared or worried and ask them to help us and bring peace.

We finished reading, and I looked at her and said, "Ellie, God and Jesus can help you when you're nervous, worried or scared.  You just have to talk to them and ask for help.  Do you want to do that?"  Tears filled her eyes and mine, and she nodded.  I could see peace come over her body.  I could see relief.  I could see her truly understand.  As I prayed, she interjected a few times.  And then she calmly and peacefully went to sleep...all her tears wiped away  ❤ ❤

8 Year Old Balloon Dropping into 2020

Ellie stayed up in New Year's Eve this year until midnight.  I know, right?!  To me, it's a major indication that she's maturing and growing up right before our very eyes.  It also really could have been her eyes were locked and loaded on the balloons, and she most definitely was going to see them all drop.  And it also could've been that we had not found the face painting station yet, and she wasn't going to be until we found it.  Regardless, she did it...the baby who was born 8 years ago on New Years Day with low muscle tone, failure to thrive, extreme and terrifying food issues, and an uncertain and  challenging future...just danced and laughed, face painted, photo boothed, danced some more, and rocked her 7 year old self into 2020, and turned 8 as the clock struck midnight.  

This year we celebrated her birthday with a family trip to Great Wolf Lodge, and we all had a blast.  If there's two things I've learned about our family, it's that we love traveling to new places together, and we all love a water park.  Everyone thrives there.  Ellie tries her hardest.  Mac plays his heart out.  They both are so brave and courageous.  David and I get to spend quality, special time, one on one with each kiddo.  And yet, all four of us have a blast together too.  As soon as Mac starts eating some things (notice my humor) that will help him grow bigger and taller, the sky will be the limit for the Spearman family at the waterpark...and we'll get to ride all the things :)

But, the one thing I noticed this year as 2019 turned to 2020, and was New Year's Day or 1.1.20...I didn't get sad.  All I've felt this year is happiness and excitement dancing into 2020 with my now 8 year old.  

Tonight, though is a little different though...
We all reflect as a new year comes.  We take a look back, and we all look ahead.  We all wish, hope, and promise the new year will be the best or better than than the last.  And I'm no different.  What is different than most people is where I was sitting 8 years ago tonight.  Eight years ago at this time, my first-ever newborn baby girl, with Billy Idol blonde hair, had entered this world barely making a sound, visited the  NICU once right after birth, and then around 11pm was whisked away again in an emergency to the NICU where she would stay for a month.  I'm transported back there every New Year's Day in one way, shape or form.  I see the nurse calmly, bit nervously, run Ellie out of the room.  I remember the sheer panic and tears David and I cried as it happened.  And I remember waiting, and waiting on them to come tell us she was admitted.  Gosh, the darkness and fear.  It's suffocating and still takes my breath away.

Our life changed that day 8 years ago when Ellie was born...

And I couldn't see the water parks, or the dancing.  Hell, I couldn't even see the joy; all I saw was fear.  I'm so thankful for time to reflect back, time to be in the present, and time to look ahead, even if it's uncertain or scary.  I never want to forget the heaviness and darkness of New Year's Day 8 years ago because it provides perspective and keeps me humble.  It also really helps me to find the joy I couldn't eight years ago on Ellie's birthday...

Ellie made it.
She was and is so strong.
She was and is a light to everyone who meets her.  And she was and is the perfect New Year's Day baby.  The confetti, the balloons and balloon drops, the noise makers, the dancing, the gathering together, the excitement, the reflection, the love, the singing, the fireworks, and the love.  Everyone celebrates your birthday sweet girl, and that's beyond unique and special...just like you.

Happy 8th Birthday Ellie Belle.  We love you so much.  Last night was truly something incredible to experience and celebrate with you.  Thank you for helping me to truly see the balloons, and the dancing, and the confetti, the love, the excitement, and the happy this year.