Fear...
Oh, the fear that surrounds this picture. This was the first time since her birth, I had gotten to see Ellie. The night Ellie was born, she was whisked away and admitted to the NICU due to difficulty breathing. Fear had already crept into our lives, and even though David and I didn't verbally say it, we knew something was wrong with our precious little girl...both of us knew it in our hearts.
Ellie was given an IV antibiotic for fear of infection, and in the NICU one of the quickest, most accurate places for IVs is in the head. For new moms and dads it is terrifying, and it causes more fear. She also had an ng feeding tube placed in her nose because she had trouble eating. I can remember my feelings here, and although I tried to be strong, I honestly felt one thing...numb.
How had things gone from being so incredibly happy, exciting, and good to terrifying, shocking and bad?
Even though fear surrounds this picture, there is something deeper and stronger going on here. I look at it now, and I see love...deep love. I was holding on to Ellie so tightly because of the unconditional, never ending, love I have for her, and I know David saw that when he took it. Love will always conquer fear. There is fight in this picture, both in Ellie and in me. I can see now, that we both were preparing to fight whatever was ahead, and face it head on. Looking at it now, I wouldn't title it Fear, but rather, Bring it...
Ever since Ellie was diagnosed, and we began hosting One SMALL Step events, I knew I wanted to participate in them one day. And to be quite honest, I always had an excuse. Recently, however I have come to the realization that I have to make some life changes. I'm not happy with myself, not sleeping well, more moody (just ask David), and I have turned to the one thing I mentally swore I would never use to make me happy when we learned of Ellie's diagnosis...FOOD. I stress eat, I eat when things are going well, I eat when things are going bad. I reward myself by eating when Ellie had a great day at school or therapy. I stop and get something to eat when things didn't go as well. And I feel so guilty afterward.
As I began to think about this year's event, I really wanted to make the 5K more official. Upstate has a great course, that many people really have said they like, so no changes, just trying to make it better. This year it will be officially timed, and we are marketing it on Go-Green Events to hopefully draw in the running crowd. A group from our church, hubcity runners will hopefully have a strong presence as well. The more I thought about the 5K, the more I wanted to complete it! I could finally tell I wanted to do it for me, and I certainly get excited thinking about crossing the finish line seeing Ellie and David too.
And then a trail blazing, competitive, wonderful 7-year old friend (Ayden Jane, who has PWS) showed up to accept the challenge with me.
This is our plan...
We began with Week 2, and that will put us on track to complete our first 5K race June 13th in Spartanburg!
Monday I joined the gym and completed exactly what I was supposed to, and man running is hard. I huffed and puffed, but did it...all while thinking sheesh, that was only 3 minutes! Ayden Jane and I checked in with each other, and it is so great to be on this journey with her.
Day 1 - Check
Today, I had a whole posse at the gym and it totally pumped me up. Accountability in all forms, is so important when doing something like this, especially for me. My friend Tracey had urged me to join the gym, and today when we dropped our kiddos off, she said you should come with me to the class I do. I was game, and am so glad I did...it was a great, great workout for the total body, and two more of our friends were there from church, Ruth and Kim...it was hard, but so worth it. I probably won't be able to walk tomorrow! After the class Tracey asked if I was going to run? We ran together, and I so appreciate her encouragement and accountability.
Day 2 - Check
So, it's me, a 7 year old, and a 5K....and I absolutely WILL NOT let that amazing 7 year old, Ayden Jane down.
Or myself.
